Expatriates from Venus!

23Dec09

or, “A Christmas Tale”

Deadlines are looming, so I am trying to churn out a few more pieces of creative nonfiction what I think are not total crap.

Today, I started on one about how we will not be terraforming Mars anytime soon, which segued nicely into a story about the guy I once dated who seriously believed human beings had migrated to Earth from Venus after turning Venus into a pollutionary hellhole. According to him, all our Venusian spacefaring equipment sunk somewhere as the Lost Island of Atlantis. Also, Venus is the astrological planet of love because we all have a cuddly vestigial memory of when Venus was our Mother Planet, which thus affects our birth charts for some reason.

I am not making this up.

Oh, and we forgot to tell our kids about our origins because we were too busy surviving. Not for nothing, but if I had EMIGRATED FROM ANOTHER PLANET, I think I might tell my kids. Maybe.

This is the same guy who first told me global warming was no biggie, we’d just move to Mars and terraform that (he was sure we could do this because we had already emigrated from Venus, natch). Never mind that Mars has insufficient gravity to hold in greenhouse gases even if we COULD send living people there with enough machinery to start manufacturing said gases in large quantities, or that Mars’s atmosphere is something like 95% CO2 anyway so it’s not like Mars needs MORE of it.

Also, never mind that this guy wanted to be an astronaut and still lists “astronomy” as a hobby. He also thought Piltdown Man was real, which tells you something. (I regret now that I never asked him how Piltdown Man figured into his “we’re from Venus” theory. Does he perhaps think the “humans” who built sulfuric-acid-proof spaceships and emigrated from twenty-five MILLION miles away were Australopithecines? LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS! FOR SRS GUISE!)

Otherwise, this guy was totally able to function in the real world and even graduate a decent school with some kind of engineering degree. I am not making this up either.

Suddenly, three wise men and a virgin birth seem totally plausible. Merry Christmas.

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