Satan’s “Evangelism,” Part Six: OH NOEZ MAH CHURCH!

28Mar09

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

Chapter Eight, “Infiltrating the Church,” begins with graphic descriptions of seeping, erosion, rushing, and crumbling, which makes one wonder if the real enemy is Satan or FEMA.

In the future, say our intrepid authors, Satan will take over the Church. He’ll start with the pansy-ass liberals who want us all to love and honor one another in clear violation of Scripture, then will turn to the true Scotsmen Christians and give them a delightful magic show! And ice cream! Yayyy!

Satan, then, is both FEMA and Penn and/or Teller. It’s hard to keep up around here.

Next come several pages of Cliffs Notes from Baby’s First Psychology Textbook, Baby’s First “The Secret”, and Baby’s First Course in Blaming the Patient, which are every bit as exciting and thoughtful as you’d expect. Then God is compared to a slot machine and Lutzer and DeVries remember at the very last second to plug their church, which apparently is delicious: “Those who taste of the true God do not imbibe the sweet potions of false Gods.” (p. 130) Remember that next time you’re buying cough syrup.

Because the church isn’t nearly as much fun as Satan thinks it is, Chapter Nine is called “Infiltrating the Home.” Lutzer and DeVries conveniently overlook that the Third Amendment prohibits this.

In addition to FEMA and Penn & Teller, the following things are now Satan:

Ghostbusters
Casper the Friendly Ghost
Willow
He-Man
Dungeons & Dragons (yes, still)
Hard rock
Soft rock
Pharmacies
John Denver

Stay tuned for Part Seven, “Infiltrating Politics.” Woo!

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