Liveballot: Michigan


My absentee ballot arrived today. Whee!

(If you’re looking to compare candidates and “pre-vote” your own ballot, has a handy tool for just such a task.)

1.) Do not destroy the country.
3.) Vote for at least one candidate from every available party.

The parties I can choose among are (in ballot order:)
a.) The Republicans, represented by tiny portraits of Lincoln and Reagan. (I bet God made Lincoln and Reagan roomies in Heaven just for the lolz.)
b.) The Democrats, represented by FDR and JFK. (Oh hey, can we refer to Obama as BHO now? No, wait, now I’m confusing him with ELO. Don’t bring me down, BHO!)
c.) The Green Party, represented by a sunflower blooming THE WORLD.
d.) The U.S. Taxpayers, represented by a disembodied eagle’s head and the equally disembodied head of some dude, name illegible, who I’m going to guess is both white and dead.
e.) The Libertarian Party, represented by that white-elephant copper statue the French foisted off on us at the office Christmas party.
f.) The Natural Law Party, which I am disappointed to see is no longer represented by a rainbow.

President: I am faced with the impossible trilemma of voting for either Barack Obama (Democrat), who (a) needs my swing state vote and (b) needs as big a mandate as he can get in order to turn this country back from the politics of failure (which have failed, btw); Cynthia McKinney (Green), who is an order of magnitude cooler than Obama; or Ralph Nader (Natural Law), who I’ve voted for in every Presidential election that has taken place since I reached the age of majority.

U.S. Senator: I think we all know how I feel about Rep. Hoogendyk. I blame term limits.

Congressional Representative: Stay Home, Rep. Upton. Let me use your pool. (Does he even have a pool?) I don’t love Don Cooney, but I don’t hate him, either.

State Representative: My desire to write in a candidate at this point is overwhelming. Someone who would never actually take the job, like Tim Skubick. …Written in for me are Republican challenger Charles Ybema and Democratic incumbent Robert Jones. A quick Google of both tells me that Ybema is pro-life and that Robert Jones is a photographer, a small-object designer, a British politician, a makeup artist, and a hair transplant surgeon. But mostly he’s this guy. Might wanna rethink that hair-transplant day job, dude.

State Board of Education: As a product of Michigan’s public schools from kindergarten through doctorate, I have thought long and hard about the needs of education in Michigan. And I have decided that nothing could be more entertaining than to elect a pair of libertarians to the two most socialistic positions in all of government.

Regent of the University of Michigan: There’s only one Green, Ellis Boal, and I feel compelled to vote for Richard Ryskamp, U.S. Taxpayers, because he is clearly some kind of relative (what kind I have no idea). I’m a little embarrassed to have a relative who’s a U.S. Taxpayer; but, as my dad pointed out, if a Ryskamp can’t depend on the Ryskamp vote, well, what does he have?

Trustee of Michigan State University: I’m pretty sure they’re all sweet transvestites from Transsexual, Transylvania. Voting for The Democratic Diann(e)s has some serious appeal.

Governor of Wayne State University: My ability to care about Wayne State University is kinda…nil.

Kalamazoo County Prosecuting Attorney: OMG, I’m about to vote for a Republican and I don’t even feel badly about it, even though he didn’t hire me. Kalamazoo has one of the best prosecuting attorney’s offices in the nation and certainly the best one I’ve ever worked with or for.

Kalamazoo County Sheriff: Once again, I had to consult the Oracle of Google to make my decision. Incumbent Mike Anderson, Republican, has been sheriff-ing our fine city for many many years, and his webpage layout shows it. Challenger Richard Fuller also policeinates Kzoo, but he grew up in Marshall and worked at Cornwall’s Turkeyville. How can I turn down a former Turkeyvillain?

Kalamazoo County Clerk: Timothy A. Snow is not only still alive, he’s still clerking! Challenger David Kinsey lives on Cameron Street and has no children to distract him from his clerkingly duties.

Kalamazoo County Surveyor: Vote for Gary D. Hahn or…Gary D. Hahn. Question: since when does political affiliation matter to surveyors? I thought that was, y’know, more of a science.

Judges! My favorite!

Michigan Supreme Court: Really, I don’t care who anyone chooses as long as we get rid of Taylor. Seriously.

8th District, non-Incumbent: I didn’t have an opinion between Bill Murphy and Julie K. Phillips till I saw who endorses them. All my favorite judges to appear before, versus the Hoogendyk family, respectively. Oops. Nice try, Ms. Phillips.

Ballot Proposals: Yes to medicinal weed (or I will beat you with my cane, as soon as I stop puking on your shoes).
Yes to stem cell research (or I will beat you with my cane, as soon as my hands stop random-assedly seizing up).
Yes to the county-wide transportation authority millage (or I will run you over with my handicapped-tagged car).

That was easy, wasn’t it?


One Response to “Liveballot: Michigan”

  1. Hi there. If any of your readers are interested in the Stem Cell ballot issue, the University of Michigan has put together “The truth about stem cell science” – a video that we hope addresses some of the misconceptions about what stem cell research is.


    Thank you!

    Jessica Soulliere, U-M Health System

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