Obama v. McCain, Round Three

16Oct08

McCain wants to be half as “good” as Palin. Obama wants to stay conscious. This should be BARRELS of laughs.

8:57: My very own running mate, Gracie the Soft White Kitty, is currently sleeping on my legs. Being First Kitteh is SRS BSNS.
8:59: There are no talking heads on NBC. Where are my talking heads? I paid to see talking heads!

9:00: Oh shit, it’s the ginormous eagle again. AND BRIWIL! BriWil says we’ve got nineteen days left of this prattle. I don’t think I can make it that long.
9:01: TomBro makes a clever nursery rhyme reference, and explains that words don’t fix the economy. Really?
9:01: BOB SCHEIFFER. WE LOVES HIM, MY PRECIOUSSSS.
9:02: BoSchi: I will divide up the time and keep the candidates on track in a way neither of my predecessors managed. Now, give it up for the candidates in the hizzzouuuse!
9:02: McCain loses Palin points by not pulling out Obama’s chair for him.
9:03: McCain is writing down his name in case he forgets it before BoSchi is done talking. Palin-points neutral.
9:03: McCain: My plan is better than Obama’s. It’s so good it put Nancy Reagan in the hospital.
9:04: JUST SAY NO to McCain’s economic prattle. McCain does not think BoSchi has never heard of Fannie and Freddie before, because BoSchi is white.
9:05: McCain: The government is going to buy 11 million Americans’ homes. But Obama is the socialist. I’m disappointed Secretary Paulson didn’t eat the homeowners first.
9:05: Obama: It’s wonderful to thank things and be on the same stage as Moron McSame, because he makes me look awesome. I am wearing a red tie that will give you a migraine. The crisis will fix itself, except we’re going to throw the middle class a bone. Don’t worry, it’s a floating bone.
9:06: Obama missed the day in speech class about how people can’t remember more than three points at once. Either that, or he’s a MEGA SUPER GENIUS who has room in his head for a fourth point. SLOW DOWN MEGA GENIUS! We’re Americans! We have the IQ of turnips! And the sexy good looks of turnips!
9:07: McCain: Obama lifted Ohio by its plumbing.
9:08: Obama is a bobble-head. A left-handed bobble-head. OMG LEFT HANDED LOVE. A disproportionate number of lawyers are left-handed, you know. I really don’t give a shit what McCain is prattling about.
9:09: Obama: Everybody wants to cut taxes and rule the world.
9:11: Stop saying “Joe the Plumber.” He’s not a fucking children’s show character.
9:11: McCain: Why would you want to raise taxes when you can totally borrow your ass into an even deeper hole?
9:12: Obama: You’re a moron. WARREN BUFFETT! JOE THE PLUMBER! I am really, really sick of the name “Joe.” Sorry, Joes.
9:13: McCain: Nobody likes taxes, so let’s not raise them. Nobody likes road construction, so let’s stop funding it. Nobody likes open-heart surgery, so let’s get rid of it. McCain is a moron.
9:14: BoSchi: Aren’t you both a pair of pie-in-the-sky dreamers?
9:14: Obama: No, because I won’t fuck my plan up. Also, America really doesn’t need all those shoes it keeps buying.
9:16: Your faithful blogger gets bored as hell, starts reading fashion blogs. Obama wants our young people to drive faster. At least having the candidates sit down means I don’t have to stare at that damn EAGLE OF GINORMOUS PATRIOTISM.
9:16: McCain talks about how the Depression, when he started in Congress. He’s such a maverick he’s proposing the same things Senator Clinton did. Nuclear power will save the American budget.
9:18: McCain knows how to eliminate programs, especially those designed to help people who make less than a million a year. He saved the taxpayers billions of bootstraps!
9:19: “Pork-barrel” “earmark” “projects” “I hate planetaria.” If I could drink, I’d be smashed in that single sentence.
9:21: McCain: I am not President Bush. I am older and more cancer-survivory. Also I actually went to Vietnam instead of sitting on my AWOL ass in Texas. Oh, and I can balance a budget on the tip of a needle. Americans are hurting and angry listening to my rambling.
9:22: Obama: Everyone hates trial lawyers. Everyone loves teachers. Everyone doesn’t know what the fuck clean coal is. My arms are so long I can smack the stupid out of Senator McCain from all the way across the aisle. Except I can’t, because I am not God. I keep getting confused which one is you and which one is Bush, because you make the same noises when someone pulls your strings. Except on torture, which you know all about because it’s what’s addled you into thinking it’s still 1968.
9:24: McCain: I opposed my own party, and they tortured me. I’d show you the scars, but Cindy tells me no one wants to see me take my clothes off.
9:25: BoSchi: Cindy is totally right. Now, you both pledged to take the high road, but instead you’ve taken the low road, and no one has gotten to Scotland before ye. I’ll call Obama a terrorist to his face because you won’t, McCain. Srsly. Wanna try? BUUURN.
9:25: McCain: Waffle waffle waffle debate debate town hall waffle meetings waffle waffle only terrorists wouldn’t do town hall meetings waffle waffle I regret that I just got called on my terrorist bullshit.
9:26: McCain: Waaah, someone insinuated I was a racist. Everyone knows I was in POW prison during the racisty racism!
9:27: Obama is a bobble-head still.
9:28: Obama: We expect Presidential candidates to beat the shit out of each other. Americans think McCain is meeeeaaner than me. Nobody cares if our widdle feewings are hurt as long as we fix their shit. Fixing Americans’ shit has nothing to do with the question, but if McCain wants to whine about how only terrorists don’t go to town hall meetings, I’ll challenge his ass to keep making mine look brilliant in these lame debates.

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