Obama v. McCain, Round Two: So Long, My Friend

08Oct08

It’s not live. Also, I was the lucky 1 in 200 patients who throw up and then pass out during (actually, immediately after) a Lidocaine infusion. Dear Senator Obama: does your health plan have a provision for giving me a new body? ‘Cause I totes need one.

As a mea culpa for not live-liveblogging last night’s enthralling nonsense, here are some links to things actually worth reading.

CNN: McCain Lost Because He Didn’t Win

Professor, What If?: What if the rhetoric were not so mind-numbingly repetitive, let alone xenophobic and non-sensical?

Whatever It Is, I’m Against It: Presidential Debate: There were others who took a hike

Everything you need to know about last night’s debate can be summed up in your average 13-year-old boy’s conversation about his penis. No, really.

And now, the debate!

The Pre-Debate: I Watch Dancing With the Stars and make popcorn

8:57: Cloris Leachman made it another week on Dancing With the Stars. THIS IS SRS BIZNIZ, PPL.
8:58: Got my SRS BIZNIZ popcorn and am ready to “watch the buffoons” fight it out, along with my wonderfully progressive except when it comes to Intertoobz connections parents.
8:59: Oh, eliminate Rocco and Karina anyway. Give them McCain’s “health” “care” “plan” and tell them to take a long walk off a short pier. (Rocco and Karina get PFDs. The “plan” can sink its ass, and good riddance.)

Some Pre-Debate Prattle by White Men We Totally Trust, ‘Cause They Wear Suits

9:00: ALL HAIL BRIWIL! …They found eighty uncommitted voters in this country? REALLY? I bet some of them double as seat-fillers at the Oscars.
9:01: All Chuck Todd does is make me miss Tim Russert. Never mind, here’s Tom Brokaw! ALL HAIL TOMBRO!
9:03: TomBro: “Next up is Scenes From a Hat. The audience members have written scenes on slips of paper, which I have placed in this hat….”

The First Scene is “How To Talk About Fixing the Economy Without Actually Talking About Fixing the Economy.” Barack, you’re a deeply caring social activist. John, you’re…breathing, okay. Good.

9:03: McCain tried to look Obama in the eye and just ended up blinking a lot. THE LIGHT OF HOPE, IT BURNS ME….
9:04: Allen Shaffer wants to know what the fastest solution is to bail people out of economic ruin. According to Obama, it’s to thank everyone in the room, the room itself, and the building the room is in.
9:06: McCain agrees the best way to fix the economy is to thank everyone. And to talk about his plan to fix this problem, which is energy independence and not paying for our own business.
9:07: Trillions of dollars of debt on our kids, eh? Wonder where that came from, Senator McWarHawk?
9:08: Senator McCain will not elect Tom Brokaw to the Secretariat of the Treasuretariat. PHEW. WE WERE SO WORRIED.
9:10: I just want a man who will buy me a share of Berkshire Hathaway and push my wheelchair. Is that too much to ask?
9:11: Oliver Clark looks just like the guy my high school BFF married, only black. I’m so busy approving of his looks I totally didn’t hear what he said. No, women never think with their hormones, why?
9:12: Pink ties totally win over the town hall meeting crowd.
9:13: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac: HISTORICAL FORCES OF HISTORY. At least when it comes to giving money to sneaky Washington insider Senator Obama.
9:14: Obama: “But wait, there’s more! If you buy the bailout package today, here’s what’s in it for you! DOOM! DOOM FOR A MILLION COMPANIES! Also, Senator McCain is a historical nitwit.” He’s going to lose because he ignored the pink-tie rule.
9:16: Obama is confident about the American economy, as long as someone makes it do its homework and go to bed on time.

America Has the Best Bootstrap-Grabbers in the World

9:17: As the camera pans over the crowd, I see black people and white people. I’ve asked the folks to give a shout-out if they see any other flavor of people.
9:18: McCain is confident he can save the American economy if he butters up the American workers.
9:18: Teresa Finch: “How can we trust either of you…”? BEST QUESTION EVER.
9:19: Obama: “Maybe you don’t go out to dinner as much….” Maybe you don’t eat dinner AT ALL. Oh wait, that’s the poor, and everyone totes knows the poor don’t vote. Also that they can go fuck themselves. What the fuck do you poor people want, a fucking handout? Move up to the middle class and maybe some politician will give a shit about you. Consider it an incentive! C’mon, bend waaay over and grab those bootstraps! What do you mean, you don’t have any bootstraps? Keep bending!
9:21: McCain: “Hey Teresa, your cynicism is showing. The special interests are ogling your cynicism. I’ll go beat them up with Feingold for ya.”

The Terrorists are Working At Your Local Planetarium

9:22: McCain has FOUGHT AGAINST OUTRAGEOUS. His entourage is also holographic.
9:23: McCain bashes planetaria again. What did planetaria ever do to him?
9:24: McCain can’t remember three things just recited to him ten seconds before. Oh dear. He also thinks he can do three things at once. Yeah, well, let’s see you walk and chew gum.
9:25: McCain’s plan to save Social Security is not to let me retire until after I’ve worked for a hundred years creating alternate energies for terrorists organizations struggling to make sure they can afford their health insurance premiums.
9:26: Obama: AMERICA IS ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY. We’re going to create alternative forms of energy by shooting JFK to the moon, which is bad for families but will make our young people competitive in a global economy.
9:28: Fiora from Chicago, on the Intertoobz: As President, what sacrifices will you ask every American to make? First, McCain wants us to sacrifice our healthcare. Then we line the fourth branch up against the wall and shoot ‘em. Then we shoot the defense contractors. Then we shoot the earmarks. Then we shoot the planetaria. Then we shoot the spending. Then we shoot the veterans. Also, we can shoot healthcare and energy at the same time – but we can’t fix the economy and campaign at the same time. In fact, McCain is now suspending his campaign in order to campaign, it’s THAT IMPORTANT.
9:30: Obama invokes 9/11. President Bush was smart to run and hide at the outset, but then he told us to buy shiny objects. We did not want shiny objects. We wanted to eat our leadership.
9:32: We will sacrifice by saving energy and buying cars. Wait…aren’t cars shiny?
9:33: TomBro: “Senator Obama, were you drunk?”
9:34: Obama: “TomBro, a good binge starts with Washington. It’s important for the President to set the tone, but all of us have to chip in for the booze.” Also, he’s smart like a doctor so he can totally use a scalpel.
9:35: McCain is only smart enough to use a hammer. On Herbert Hoover. We’ve lost 700,000 jobs, 699,990 of which were lost in Michigan. This is the real reason McCain doesn’t want to go to Michigan anymore: it’s full of people who have nothing better to do but tell him he’s full of crap. Also they have hammers.

In Which Obama Is Told to Sit Down and Stop Disrupting the Classroom

9:37: Obama: “Can I respond to this?” TomBro: “NO. SIT DOWN. Now, tell us what you’ll do about Social Security and Medicare? Are you going to reform it in time to save the nation or what?”
9:38: Obama: We need to line entitlement up against the wall and shoot it. Then we need to shoot our incomprehensible tax policies. Then we need to shoot the wheels off the Straight Talk Express. Then I will shoot your taxes, unless you are one of those rich bastards I had to listen to moan about their vacation houses during law school.
9:40: Obama’s healthcare plan will work for you. It’ll totally cut your lawn and wash your dishes.
9:41: McCain: Social Security knows who its friends are. I’ve seen Ronald Reagan and Tip O’Neill sit down across a table and arm-wrestle me, the totally unreliable maverick. Medicare is tougher. I know it’s tougher because I don’t understand it. I need some brainiacs to do it for me. Not that Obama guy, though. He’s totally not invited across the aisle.
9:42: McCain: Be my friends! I need friends!
9:43: Ingrid Jackson wants to know what Senator McCain would do to make sure Congress “moves fast” on environmental issues and green jobs. Also she has great hair.
9:43: McCain: I am totally unreliable and my party hates me when I talk about greenness. I forced a vote with my turncoat friend Joe Lieberman.
9:45: Obama: We’re going to build an engine out of a computer and drive into the future together. Just like the computer was invented by Charles Babbage in the nineteenth century, so our salvation will be invented by a dead white man. For thirty years, nothing Senator McCain or I has said has made a damn bit of sense. But McCain sure did vote a lot.
9:48: TomBro points out that the red light means STFU. Then he asks if we can create a new Manhattan Project in our garages.
9:48: McCain talks about R&D and a lot of other things he is neither qualified nor capable of understanding. I’m bored and wish I had a robot.
9:50: Lindsey Trella wants to know if healthcare should be treated as a commodity, seeing as it’s a very profitable one.
9:51: Obama: we have a moral imperative to do something about health care in America. Except for the people who aren’t covered by my plan.
9:52: Obama says federal employment is a preexisting health condition. McCain’s health care plan sucks. OH HAI, WE AGREEZ!
9:52: McCain talks about “skyrocketing” health care costs. Senator Obama will fine you for not drinking his socialist Kool-Aid. McCain is a fucking moron.
9:53: McCain will eat his gold-plated Cadillac hair plugs before he’ll do anything but leave our lives to the vagaries of the free market. Except he won’t, because he needs it to pay for his next life-extending surgery.
9:55: McCain: “Health care is a responsibility. Just not my responsibility.”
9:56: Obama: Kids are cheap to insure because their parts are totally interchangeable. McCain voted against modular children.
9:59: TomBro: “SHUT UP SENATOR OBAMA. Here, have some foreign policy.”

The McCain Doctrine: WE CANNOT PULL OUT OR LITTLE SOLDIERS WILL BE KILLED

10:00: Phil Elliot, who is wearing Palin glasses, asks the same question Jim Lehrer asked last week. McCain makes peace by shedding blood and spending treasure. McCain is a pirate.
10:01: McCain: I loves me some war! My war judgment is awesome! I stand on it all the time! Obama doesn’t stand on his war judgment because it is wobbly. Also you are my friend, my friend.
10:01: Obama: I don’t understand how this country was run by morons for eight years and no one noticed. I don’t understand why we invaded a country that was conveniently full of shiny oil and mean leaders who wouldn’t give it over when we asked. I don’t understand how Osama bin Laden is keeping up with his dialysis in an Afghan cave. I don’t understand why McCain is a moron.
10:03: Obama: We need ten billion dollars to be the greatest nation on Earth. Even though money totes can’t buy you respect. Or genocide. Or someone to change Senator McCain.
10:04: TomBro: Does you has Obama Doctrine?
10:04: Obama: We need to put moral issues on spikes. We could have intervened in the Holocaust, but our moral obligation was on a spike. The world is full of genocide and ethnic cleansing. Also Darfur is full of peacekeepers and genocide and spikes.
10:06: McCain: The McCain Doctrine: Obama would PULL OUT of Iraq. I would go ALL THE WAY. We were HUMILIATED by WITHDRAWAL. LITTLE SOLDIERS WERE KILLED. We are sending America’s most PRECIOUS FLUIDS into HARM’S WAY.
10:08: Katie Hamm, who is probably not related to Mia Hamm, asks about terrorism. Obama thinks we should have put Al-Qaeda away before we started playing with Iraq, and that’s why we can’t find our Osama bin Laden now. Also, we’re really too old to cuddle Pakistan anymore.
10:11: McCain: My hero is Teddy Roosevelt, who taught me to carry my BIG STICK when I was just a wee lad back in old country. If you are a country, you want to take some Russians for a drive into Afghanistan because in Soviet Russia, hands wash you! This is totes why we had to blow up Afghanistan. We need the terrorists to support us so we can kill terrorists.
10:13: TomBro: I am totally the hired help here, except the part where I am not female or Mexican.
10:13: Obama: No, but we love you, non-female non-Mexican cleaning lady. Now, we have to threaten to kill people who threaten to kill us. My ears are green and spouting…something. See why we need better health care? Anyway, we have to act responsibly, which means something something Pakistan.
10:15: McCain: I like to blow kids up no matter what country we’re talking about! Also I am good at it!
10:17: Obama: we need to WITHDRAW RESPONSIBLY.
10:18: McCain: General Petraeus has ASSUMED THE POSITION. We need to change our tactics by DOUBLING OUR SIZE. Also we need to be STREAMLINED FOR HER PLEASURE. But our strategy must STAY THE COURSE. If your kids didn’t have comprehensive sex education before, they’re getting it tonight.

Former Soviet States Leave Weepy Messages on Our Answering Machine. Solution: Forward Them to Their Ex-Boyfriend, Russia

10:19: The Intertoobz want to know how we can pressure Russia without causing another Cold War. McCain says he totes looked into Putin’s eyes and saw Gummi Bears. We need to give Ukraine and Georgia “moral support,” which we haven’t been doing, based on the weepy messages they keep leaving on our answering machine.
10:21: Obama: Russia is the central issue of the next presidency, just like health care, energy, entitlements, and Pakistan. All the former Soviet satellites need love, especially Sputnik, which not only keeps leaving creepy messages on our answering machine but also nailed a dead weasel to our door last week. If we’d been watching from around the corner, it wouldn’t have happened.
10:23: TomBro: “Say yes or no. Russia: evil empire?” Obama: “160 words that are neither of the two you gave me to choose between.”
10:24: McCain: “No. Yes! No? Yes…no. Energy! Europe! What?”
10:25: Retired Navy chief Terry Shirey, who also has Palin glasses, asks if we’d wait for the UN Security Council before we attacked Iran?
10:25: McCain: Thank you for being a veteran, with whom I think I have a specialicious bond. Iran doesn’t have the bomb, but if they get it, they could turn all the remaining delicious oil into a glass parking lot. In order to prevent this, we will posture a lot and say a bunch of words that don’t mean anything, like “league” and “democracies” and “holocaust.”
10:27: Obama: I can thank veterans too. Iran could turn Israel into a glass parking lot. I can pronounce “nuclear” correctly. We will never not threaten to bomb the living shit out of terrorists who may or may not have the bomb. But first we will sanction the living shit out of Iran, which will totally show those nuclear motherfuckers who’s boss. Then we will put Iran in the corner and tell it that it can joint the other kids when it’s learned its lesson.
10:29: New Hampshire has the Intertoobz now?
10:30: Obama: I learn shit by asking my wife, who makes me look like I have the IQ of a cactus. I don’t know what I don’t know, but I do know what I don’t know is that I have opportunity, which has nothing to do with what I don’t know and is also keeping your faithful blogger up past her bedtime.

The Candidates Sum Up Their Platforms

10:31: Obama: Blah blah American Dream expensive college wages in the toilet do same things get different outcome fundamental change tastes like walnuts.
10:33: McCain: I don’t know how to find half the world’s countries on a map. I also don’t know what isn’t known. My dad did his “business” at sea because it’s more hygienic. I know that if you set a man on fire, he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. I believe in belief.

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3 Responses to “Obama v. McCain, Round Two: So Long, My Friend”

  1. 1 professor what if

    Ha, ha, ha. Love you scene breakdown. If only the drama hadn’t been such a snooze fest…

    Thanks for the link love!

  2. 2 Dani

    You’re welcome. 😀

    *silent fangirling squee*

  3. Love the title of the post…very accurate. I think McCain’s biggest problem is that he keeps trying to make the case that Barack Obama is stupid. That’s not going to sell when Obama repeatedly proves to be very intelligent and in complete command of the issues while McCain and his running mate consistently fumble around with the facts or are completely incapable of answering simple questions like “what do you read?” McCain should call now for a tee time in Phoenix on Jan. 20, 2009, I hear it’s gorgeous there that time of year.

    http://stonecipher.typepad.com/the_stonecipher_report/2008/10/dear-america-ba.html


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