“Liveblogging” the State of the Union Address

28Jan10

20:57: State of the Union is on every channel except WXSP, which is showing reruns of something called “The Unit.” Guess I can choose my own talking heads.
21:00: Congressman Joe Wilson is warming up in the back.
21:01: PBS is still extolling its sponsors. Commercials? On MY PBS? It’s more common than you think.
21:03: I have no idea who Jim Lehrer’s talking heads are, but they sound much less pompous and annoying than NBC’s talking heads.
21:04: You know who I miss? Molly Ivins.
21:06: HAIL TO THE CHIEF, HE’S THE ONE WE ALL SAY “HAIL” TO.
21:06: Mosh!Pit!Obama!
21:07: Jim Lehrer just referred to Jill Biden as the “Second Lady.”
21:08: Jim says Tim Geithner “had a bad week.” Yeah, you could call it that.
21:09: Nancy Pelosi WANTS THE CLAPPING TO STOP.
21:11: And Michelle Obama is, apparently, “Lady Obama.” SWEET.
21:11: GO SPEECH GO! Obama kicks off with a Constitutional history lesson. Is this going to be on the exam?
21:12: Joe Biden looks like he’s going to cry, as Obama discusses the great trials facing our nation and answering history’s nature’s call. Or something.
21:13: “The economists told you this shit would happen. You did not listen. EVERYONE IS OUT OF WORK. YOUR HOUSES HAVE BURNED DOWN. SMALL TOWNS ARE NOW HAITI. DOOM AND SO FORTH.”
21:14: Obama reads children’s letters at night. What is he, Santa Claus?
21:15: “Wall Street sucks. Main Street sucks. Partisanship sucks. Challenges suck. Americans want shiny objects and for Congress to FUCKING DO SOMETHING.”
21:17: Obama has never been more hopeful about America’s future. That makes one of us….
21:18: Step One: the economy. Everybody hated the bank bailout, which was like getting a root canal from Tim Geithner. Obama: “WE MADE YOU A BAILOUT BUT YOU EATED IT.”
21:21: Obama announces cutting taxes for everyone except your mother-in-law. Congress is happy.
21:22: “We haven’t raised income taxes by a single dime on a single person.” Not even those who could afford it, mind you.
21:23: Obama mentions the stimulus bill. John McCain looks like he suddenly lost control of his bladder.
21:24: Joe Biden is going to cry. Joe Liberman is going to fall asleep.
21:24: Obama: “I CAN HAS JOBS BILL?”
21:25: Thanks to all the standing ovations, Congress has to stand up and sit down during the State of the Union more often than a Muslim prayer service. (Or a Catholic mass. I dunno, which is funnier?)
21:26: Obama: “EXTEND CREDIT TO SMALL BIZNIZ YOUSE BASEMENT CATS.”
21:27: Our nation is going to build the infrastructure of Tomorrowland, which will be made entirely out of plastic and have a robot butler, also made entirely out of plastic. The plastics company will get tax credits and also stimulus money. The robot butler will get deported.
21:28: Justice Kennedy may be already dead.
21:30: Obama wants to change the world, then buy it a Coke and keep it company. And blow housing bubbles. Wait! No! He wants to catch up with China!
21:32: Obama: “AMERICA NO CAN HAS SECOND PLACE!”
21:33: Senator Chris Dodd really shouldn’t have had that second enchilada.
21:35: Obama: “I CAN HAS CLIMATE BILL?” Pelosi: “ITTEH BITTEH CLIMATE BILL COMMITTEH!”
21:36: “The nation that leads the clean energy economy will be China.” Wait, no – “will be the leader of the world economy.” But I repeat myself.
21:37: Make the Chinese buy OUR cheap plastic crap instead of the other way round! That will totally solve it! Wait, what was the problem again?
21:38: Joe Biden wonders why anyone bothered to give him a chair.
21:39: Obama: “Remember when we invested in America’s children? Big mistake.”
21:40: Obama: “Children should stay in school and study hard!” Secretary of Education Arne Duncan: “BOO STFU COMMIE.”
21:41: “In today’s economy, a high school diploma no longer guarantees a good job.” I think you can take “good” out of that sentence, d00d….
21:42: “In the United States of America, no one should go broke because they chose to go to college.”
21:43: You know, when I’m trying to decide whether to buy food, medicine, or electricity, I TOTALLY think about those family tax credits I’m going to get. TOTALLY. ALL THE TIME. Sarcastic Cat is sarcastic.
21:44: Obama: “HEALTH CARE NAO!”
21:45: Michelle Obama: “Did you really have to mention me? Now everyone’s looking. Um, hi, everyone. Hi. Fuckoff.”
21:48: Obama: “IF YOU HAS BETTER HEALTH PLAN, BRING IT.”
21:49: Obama: “CLINTON MADE YOU A SURPLUS, BUT BUSH EATED IT.”
21:50: John McCain: “If I had been President, the deficit would have magically vanished before I took office.”
21:51: Obama: “I will bring my leftist socialtopia vision to fruition by implementing a rightist spending freeze that will freeze spending on anything that is not a frivolous war on unwinnable terrain. This will totally work because I AM CEILING CAT.”
21:53: Nancy Pelosi: “I wonder if the President realizes he’s wearing a ‘kick me’ sign?”
21:54: Obama: “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA PAY GO PAY GO NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA.”
21:55 Obama: “The spending freeze will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, there’ll be a spending freeze.”
21:56: Obama: “Let’s try common sense! It is delicious!”
21:57: Obama wants much tighter controls on lobbyists and special interests; did not think Citizens United was a particularly good idea. Justice Ginsburg is clearly propped up on her own gavel.
21:59: Obama didn’t think his election would “usher in peace and harmony and a bipartisan era.” Unfortunately, he forgot to mention this to a metric crapton of his followers. (The latest issue of The Nation is devoted entirely to this little problem.)
22:01: Obama makes an oblique reference to Sotomayor’s kabuki nomination.
22:02: There are A LOT of ugly old white men in suits in this room. Like, way more than there are in the general population. Just sayin.
22:03: Obama is too young to want to continue Congress’s endless referendum on the 1960s. It is, like, totally boring.
22:04: Band Name of the Day: Al-Qaeda Spiders.
22:05: Obama: End the unwinnable fuckall-expensive war! …in 2011. Maybe. Not in Afghanistan.
22:07: Senator Joe Liberman: “Wait, why am I standing again?”
22:08: Obama: “SUPPORT OUR TROOPS.” Congress: *clap clap clap stand stand clap clap stand clap*
22:09: The greatest threat to the American people is the threat of nuclear weapons. Not nuclear weapons themselves, mind you. Just the threat of them.
22:10: We’re going to “secure all vulnerable nuclear weapons around the world within four years,” yet the U.S.’s chemical weapons arsenal in Kentucky, which was supposed to be decommissioned by the end of this year, is going to be around until at least 2021 even on an “accelerated” decommissioning schedule. WTF? Really?
22:10: Science and technology education will redeem those backwards Muslims! Totally! I mean, hell, it’s not like they invented our number system, or anything. …wait…
22:11: Soon Haiti will be more delicious than ever!
22:12: We support the human rights of women marching in Iran and Afghanistan…but not of women in our own country. American is “on the side of freedom and dignity” as long as we don’t actually have to *do* anything about it.
22:13: “If you adhere to our common values, you should be treated no differently than anyone else.” Us pinko hippie liberals, however, can suck it.
22:14: Obama: “I WILL TOTALLY REPEAL DADT.” About fucking time, you slack bastard!
22:14: Obama: “EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK.” I’ll believe it when I see it.
22:14: Obama: “STRENGTHEN OUR BORDERS.” Which of these things is not like the other…?
22:17: Insert several minutes of rhetoric here.
22:18: Patrick Kennedy just realized he left the stove on.
22:20: CARRY THE DREAM. Lift that barge, tote that bale, the torch has been passed to a day that shall live in infamy fourscore and seven years ago. And so forth.

Screw the Republican response. I’m going to bed.

Sen. John Kyl was on NPR this morning WHIIIINING about how they really do do stuff and Obama was MEEEEEN to suggest otherwise. He wants a COOOOOKIE MOOOOOOM…



2 Responses to ““Liveblogging” the State of the Union Address”

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